Minnie’s nails had grown into her toe pads. She had a bacterial infection from eating garbage. She’d never had her shots or even a chance to go outside. She loves it here. She’s up to date on her shots, on heartworm preventative medicine and antibiotic, gets groomed tomorrow and spayed next week.

You’ve watched your mom or dad grow increasingly frail over the years. You may have already broached the assisted living subject and heard the following: “We can’t afford it.” “We’re not social people.” “We want to live in our own home.” “Leave us alone. We can run our own lives.” You may have added a stair glide, grab bars in the shower, life-alert, and a whole host of additional products designed to help mom and dad live independently at home because your parents, like all of us, want to age in place. And you respect their wishes because, after all, as mom and dad, they still loom large and powerful in your mind.

Then, one night, in between the soccer carpool, the school open house, your son’s college essay, and the proposal for work you’ve yet to write, the phone call comes. Maybe your mom fell and broke her hip, maybe your dad’s cough turned out to be pneumonia. Whatever the diagnosis, that phone call jolts you out of your complacency and into a world you know nothing about. Mom and dad’s needs have become greater than your capacity to fulfill them. The doctor says that mom can no longer live alone even if dad acts as her caregiver. The hospital discharge planner hands you a list of independent and assisted living facilities. That may be the only direction you receive from the physician and the social worker. After much discussion, mom and dad, now in their mid-eighties, finally agree to relocate to a smaller, safer community. The responsibility to find good care, a safe environment with good nutrition and plenty of opportunities to socialize, rests squarely on your shoulders and maybe an out-of-town sibling or two.

How elated and surprised you felt when mom and dad acquiesced to relocating. You may have even found a community they like with food that’s “pretty good.”  But don’t get too carried away. You still face a huge obstacle. Until recently, this obstacle wasn’t even recognized as a reason why older adults feel immobilized and unable to consent to the care they know they require.  One client called it “the elephant in the room.”

It’s the house and everything in it.

How can a generation of scarcity thinkers who kept just about everything walk away from a 50-year accumulation of possessions, some very dear to them? They can’t. And you, a full-fledged member of the sandwich generation, have neither the time nor the patience to assist them. How then do you accomplish downsizing and transitioning your parents with the respect they deserve, allowing them the control they so cherish? How do you turn a three-bedroom home into an 800-sq. ft. apartment?

You call a senior move manager who belongs to the National Association of Senior Move Managers. Senior move managers understand that this life transition ranks at the top of the stress meter, along with death and divorce. We know the physical limitations of our clients and their frustrations with bodies and minds that leave them too frail to participate fully in the moving process.  We help them sort through their belongings, deciding what to take with them, what to give away, what to sell or donate. As we sort through their belongings, we encourage mom or dad to give voice to the memories evoked by the object. This process gives them an opportunity to grieve for their many losses, becoming a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block to their new lives. We may make a memory book of photos of the items they can no longer keep.  We create floor plans so that we take only the furniture that will fit. We take the familiar; the chipped dishes, the worn easy chair, the old tool box, because it eases the transition and lessens the sense of loss. We pack their things and take photos of their displayed collectibles so we can duplicate them in the new home when we unpack them. We listen to their stories about their children or their marriages. When old sibling rivalries flare up, we smooth ruffled feathers. We stage their home for sale, bring in appraisers for items of high value, arrange specialty shipping, arrange for interviews with estate sales companies and movers, haul away trash, arrange for shredding documents and hazardous waste removal. We supervise moving day, make the beds, put everything away, hang pictures and install electronics.

We bring the supplies, we bring the labor but most importantly, we bring compassion, for this is not an easy move for any of the family members.